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I’ll still kiss you after you give me a rim job and I do a lot of yoga. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. I hunt, fish, critique porn and thoroughly enjoy getting stoned in the woods with Mary Jane and Jack. Let’s recreate the Human Centipede and sew your mouth to my butthole. Two things I don’t fuck with: rattlesnakes and condoms. Hobbies: I’ll treat you like a Disney princess on the streets and a porn princess between the sheets. You gotta marry someone you know you’d still be down to fuck in the laundry room real quick while the kids are downstairs watching Lion King & ten minutes left till the dinosaur nuggets are read to come out the oven. Skills I have acquired over a very long sexual career. I can nail an arrow in the back of your skull at over 100 yards. PS: all I eat is mozzarella sticks, Doritos, and di*k. Boys call me Dumbledore cause I’m the head master The C and the L are silent. It may make me sound like a whore, but as long as you open and hold my door, I will straight up fuck you then and there on the floor Women seeks hostile man for mutual psychological torture, co-dependency and future divorce. If your dog is cute, I’ll probably look through your photos twice and I’ll still kiss you after you give me a rim job and I do a lot of yoga. I’d like to cover you in peanut butter and see how much I could lick off before my peanut butter allergy killed me. The only thing that’s not goofy about me is my stance. I’m [Your Name] and I cuddle at a level that should require a paid subscription. one night older Hobbies: boning your mom and getting shredded. Swipe the direction of the one you think is more attractive. I work for the government so you know I’ll f*ck you hard. I pick you up at 8 for half-priced apps at the Bee’s.

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At the very least, you’ll be amazed, possibly appalled, at what other people are writing! Which means I know how to ride a d*ck but I’m still not sure how taxes work. No thanks…if I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I’d have dinner with my parents. I hope your day is as nice as my ass I can’t wait to dissapoint you sexually Our relationship should be like Nintendo 64– classic, fun to spend hours with, and every issue easily fixed by blowing on it then shoving it back in.

My fairy tale prince is somebody who is tall, nice, and is willing to be roofied and anally penetrated by the second date. Swipe right ;)If you can’t handle me at my worst, then leave because I don’t have a best. Just your typical docile, subservient oriental girl wanting to help quell a white boy’s yellow fever. Based on the moments that I get, there seems to be a lot girls on here who know everything about love and relationships… When she arrives home she figures it out, goes next door, to the monastery where the monks live, opens the door interrupting the monks at dinner and shouts: “Alright, which one of you bastards has been wanking off on the church candle? Want to marry some one whose last name begins with an “L”, so if I ever decide to work at a Denny’s, my name tag will read Ana L. I take us to see the unicorns because unicorns are the f*cking tits. The unicorns are about to get the show of their life.

I can be a handful, topped with sarcasm and sprinkles of bullshit. I know men only think with their penises, but I’m not afraid to blow your mind. Yet they’re still on Tinder Lets sauce in the tub together, ya dig? You never have to worry about me walking out on you. ”I put the Amy in chlamydia After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to tell him that I’ve successfully installed Java.

Nah, it’s completely fair, and I’ll tell you why, alright? Dating black girls is really a plus because you don’t have to worry about meeting their fathers. I’m outdoorsy in the sense that I like to get drunk on patios. I just want a guy to buy me flowers, send me a million cute texts an call me mine, I’ll make you food so wife me up. Just be John Cusack outside my window with a boombox. After going out for four years you decide to propose. I think that’s all you need to know I’ll make you dessert, if you don’t like it, there is always me ;)The only reason I want a boyfriend is so that when I’m singing Fergilicious and it’s at the part where she says “I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness he’s my witness” I can point to him and he’ll do the little ” woo OOH” part because right now I have to do both parts by myself and it’s stressful because right after the woo OOH part I have to get right back into rapping and the transition is harder than you think Tessticles (haha that’s Tinder gold! Mirror selfies, rig shots and roid monkeys need not apply. I look like a kid, if you are into that kinda thing. A kiss makes my whole day, but anal makes my hole weak I’m grown up but not grown, grown. If I’m interested, I’ll place my underpants on the table. Return them washed, and we will consummate passionately. A plus if you wear my mom’s perfume and fit perfectly in the void she left.

I’ve learnt that men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny… Gag reflex as absent as my father figure I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him if he’s going to eat the rest of that pizza. Mainly because you love me but also because I believe in no sex before marriage and curiosity is killing you. Just to clarify I am single and I don’t need to chew when eating a banana. My nickname is Gillette because I’m the best a man can get. I hate playing head games unless they involve the mouth. Which means I know how to ride a di** but I’m still not sure how taxes work. I work at subway so I’m pretty much an expert on 6 inches and I make some damn good sandwiches.

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